May. 11, 2022
Pain
I could probably write a book on my pain and how I got over all that has happened to me.
I will start with the relationship with my mother because that's where my pain began, it's hard to accept that you were not wanted at birth to the point where after she gave birth to me, she left. my grandparents were called, and they came and took me.
I could not wrap my head around how you could just leave your child. the reason why I was
the pain of rejection is a very hard pill to swallow but to be rejected by the one who gave birth to you is the worst pain.
made to call my mother was because her friend heard me call her by her name and said that I was being disrespectful even though she didn't know the reason behind why after that I was forced to call her mama because my stepfather decided he would beat my legs with a broom stick until I called her mama. To this very day I don't feel comfortable calling her mama, to me that is an honor when you know you are loved enough to say it.
my pain didn't end with that I was pregnant at the age of 19 and because I was in an abusive relationship and discovered I was pregnant after one of many beat downs, I went to emergency room for help and the look on the nurse face made me feel ashamed. at the time it took me awhile to figure out he was on drugs, four months into my pregnancy he came home in a rage because he couldn't get high, I got beat because I didn't have any money and it sent me into premature labor and I lost my twins. that pain sent me too almost commit suicide, to be told your children were stillborn was too much to bear because I heard my daughter cry, I was told that neither of my children were not breathing and I had imaged hearing a cry, I than began to tear the hospital room up I wanted to die right along with my babies. and years later I lost another child all I could think was I being punished for something I didn't know or understand?
Poetry has helped me in a lot of ways which is how I got through the loss of my children.
I have lost all my grandparents and the day I received those calls I thought I would be totally lost without them, but here I am still living and learning of my true power.
I know they look down on me with a smile thinking, " we are so very proud of our baby because despite her pain she's still standing." My pain could have broken me, yet I am still here to minster to someone who may think they are alone in whatever they may go through. let me tell you this, you are going to make it and though it may hurt you will overcome all that pain. I am living proof that you are stronger than what you've been through.