Jun. 26, 2022

My mental health

I am writing because like many people I lived a life of where this subject in most households were to not talk about the mental aspect of what was wrong with you. the saying is "what happens in this house stays in this house." I like I've said in a blog before have been suicidal since the age of sixteen because number one I felt ugly lost and alone in my own family. second I was having trouble with relationships and my sexuality.

As a young adult I dealt with being in not one but two abusive relationships, once again falling into the pit of self-pity, I wanted to die and with one relationship the abuse got so bad I almost did, I was hanging from the third floor window with a twenty five inch telephone cord wrapped around my neck. but God was with me that day and after I was pulled back into my apartment window I fought back. through everything I went through I wanted to die because it would be so much better than the pain I was going through.

then I had a friend come stay with me who made me talk about my past to help me understand that death was not the answer, believe me my friend help me realize I am needed and that my life will become my testimony.

I use to use food and sex to make up for the lost and lonely feelings back in the day, because it made me feel like I was in control, when in all honesty I wasn't I allowed my emotions to determine my relationships with others and myself. I hated me and what I mean by that is I allowed others to treat me like I was not worthy of love, respect, and even kindness. for you see I wasn't doing those things for myself. mentally I was gone but still living with that fake smile on face moving right along, but was slowly mentally dying. mental illness is real but in our community it is an unspoken word. I live in a city where so many mental ill people are homeless because no one cares enough to help them make it on the outside, instead they just throw them into a world that doesn't understand them or are to afraid to try. My journey with my own mental health has giving me a better understanding of what so many of us go through but can't express or explain for fear of being judged. the Bible says "let he without sin cast the first stone."

fast forward to two years ago I decided to go to therapy and it worked all that hurt, and pain from my past that I was holding on to I let it go. my therapist help me understand I have a choice in how my life goes and who I allow in my space. and it has help me understand a few things about me, despite how I feel about me sometimes. I am talented and I have a future in this writing thing, my past doesn't determine who I am in this moment , and to cherish myself and those around me who have never left my side .

So the next time you walk down the street and see someone who has a mental health issue remember, you never know a person story nor do you know their daily struggle.

I am glad I got to the point where I knew I needed help and got it because I was tired of being in the mind set that no one loved me or cared if I lived or died!!! I CARED AND GOT THE HELP I NEEDED AND WHO EVER IS READING THIS YOU CAN TOO!