Jul. 8, 2022


My whole life has been by myself for the past year and a half.

I have kind of closed myself off so to speak. It started out being cool for me to reconnect with my spiritual side, but then it got to the point where all I do is work go to the gym, and then back home. basically, I'm living in this world where I have become a homebody whereas before that wasn't me. I love meeting new people but this lonely thing has a hold on me and I can't seem to break it at this point. doesn't help that when I did get out (on a date) things were going well we were supposed to go out again but the person hasn't asked me out and I refuse to ask them out again, I don't chase anyone. but there are times when I think maybe this alone thing needs to stop and I need to go back to doing what I use to do and start going out alone again. I met a lot of really cool people that way. keeps me from being in my head and having thoughts of not being here anymore or just sitting for hours in the dark crying. for the first time in a long time, I get those thoughts of suicide, and then I remember that nothing is as bad as it seems at the moment. I write this blog to one keep me sane and two because I never know who I might reach with what I have to say. when you're alone a lot it makes you think a lot and for me my mind sometimes never stops thinking. I know before all that happen to me over these two years I use to be out and about by myself with $40 and have the best time of my life with $20 left when I come home. I guess the biggest thing for me is my friends that I use to hang out with, one moved from my neighborhood and the other well they have a different life now. I need to get out more because the lonely thing has me in a kind of bad head space, partly because of the menopause mood swings. and just the thought that when I was on my vacation a few months ago I was alone but I met some of the nicest and friendliest people whereas when I got back home it was back to the standoff people or when you say hello or good morning they give you a look that lets you know to keep walking. basically what I am trying to say is I have a choice to go out again with confidence or keep staying home and crying because of the lonely cloud over my head. this is a word because being lonely or feel as such can also play on your mental health so keep living, loving, and laughing.

it has been a struggle and a kind of reflection. I have not been in a serious relationship for longer than that, which has been a reminder and somewhat of a curse is the fact I have had no human context, no hugs, or kisses from anyone.