Nov. 3, 2022
Broken
No one can understand what it's like to be in an abusive relationship unless they too have been in one.
My mother was my example in this subject and I've mentioned that in previous blogs.
I don't think I really discussed how broken I felt in both relationships.
I was broken to the point that I was in the house covering up bruises either on my face or on my body in general.
Dre was the first one who started hitting me in the face first it was a black eye because I didn't move when he told me to come here once.
after that, it was pretty much all the time to the point I would wear makeup to cover it just to go to school.
I stood with tears. running down my face and just saying I love him.
I had run into a friend of mine one day coming out of the little technical college I was attending at the time and she and I had gone to lunch during one of my breaks, she ask me to go to the bathroom with her at the time I thought nothing of it until. she went to the sink and wet a paper towel and wiped my face and there I was standing there looking like a dear in the headlights. and I remember her saying Carolyn you are not that broken that you can't see him as a bad person.
It took me another whole year to figure out that love doesn't suppose to hurt or harm you.
I was at that point totally broken let me explain why he had broken my spirit, my self-esteem, and my body to the point I would cover my body from having bruises on my legs and arms.
I was so surprised that my nose was never broken because he had hit me so hard once I blacked out, I don't tell these stories because I want pity I tell my story because I want to help someone who may feel trapped in the same thing.
the next day it would be my stereo or my video game. as long as he was high I was safe but why should a twenty year be afraid to be at home never knowing what to expect? once again feeling broken hiding bruises daily. there were some older ladies I worked with that knew the signs of abuse and would tell me I could get out in my mind I saw no way out. when you're broken in spirit and mind you feel there is no hope.
the other person I was with he's abusing me in drug rages when he couldn't get high I was beaten, I had worked so hard for the little things I had in my apartment but I would come home one-day T.V gone.
these women saved me with their love and advice I got out and stayed out but still felt broken.
Never going out always in the house until one of my friends came to stay with me and once again I was saved from living like I was broken.
I started going to women helping women meetings and it was weird to see I was not alone.
the worst part of feeling like I was broken beyond repair was these physical wounds heal it's the mental torture that sticks with you.
my favorite line I heard from both men was " no one wants you but me."
or another good one that broke me down for a few years is " you would be cute if you weren't so big."
I am no longer broken but these experiences have shown me that I am way stronger than what I have been through who ever read this I want you to know so are you and you can only be broken if you allow others to make you feel that way.
my self-esteem was already bad from a lot of other things so for someone who was supposed to love me say it made it that much worst.
Give yourself some grace because it's not your fault sometimes we fall into the generational curses, I am living proof you can cut the ties of those curses. WE ARE NO LONGER BROKEN. peace, love, and grace.