Let's talk about something that has been on my heart and mind for two days.
have you ever walked into a room full of people and totally felt invisible?
I feel this way daily when I go to work every day I walk in I know that they see my physical presents, yet mentally and sometimes physically I feel invisible.
For most of my life as I've stated in a few previous blogs, I felt like I didn't belong to any family nor did I feel I belonged on this earth. as a child I played by myself a lot, and I had an imaginary friend who saw me when the rest of the world and my family did not. I know to some people that may seem strange to say but let me explain a little I was raised in a blended family both my grandparents had children from past relationships so my aunt and uncle were from my grandmother's first marriage and relationship, then you add my grandfather's two children from my biological grandmother and there you have a blended family. I was born to a sixteen-year-old mother who abandoned me after giving birth. my grandparents came and got me before I became a ward of the state, my childhood, for the most part, was great until my uncle( my grandmother's son) start to have children so I was no longer the baby or the center of attention, so I at that very moment I became invisible to everyone that I thought loved me.
so I went into a shell so to speak always in my room until I was called out to do my chores or go to the corner store for my grandmother.
then the teenage years came along and once again I was invisible but this time it was because I was put in the box by certain family members, my mama got pregnant at sixteen so of course, the talk was I was going down the same path. it did not happen of course so once again I stayed in my room being invisible in a family I felt and sometimes still do feel that they don't see me because I am invisible or I'm not successful enough or really loved enough. It may sound sad but I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I can finally see myself even if the world or my family doesn't.
took years for me to see I am visible to me and the Most High and when I find myself trying to go back into a dark place I remember I am loved even if that love doesn't come from the place it should, being invisible to people I loved or who was suppose to love me just made me work harder to fit in and to been seen. but it didn't work all the time not even in my personal relationships I was once again invisible until they need to be seen with me or just plain wanted sex from me. after that once again I became invisible. free from all that pain of not been seen has been a great reflextion of how great and powerful the most high is in my life. two weeks ago I was in a dark place and that sense of being invisible creeped up on me to the point I had a dark thought but by the grace of the Most High and some great friends I saw me again and I am glad that I did. but the person I am is beautiful, intelligent and unique and I am visible to me. so not sure if anyone can relate to this I just wanted you to know I see you .